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So, I have to run through this before I lose my mind about how tired of your bullshit I am. I'm leaving it public in the hopes that you continue to root through my shit, and you get a face full of this.

I can't stand you. I used to love you.

For all the days I went to call you to wake you up when I got home from school and either did not get an answer, or was bitched at and ignored. For the days we planned you to either come over or go out somewhere and you never answered your phone. For the day we made a date and you went and spent all your money on a pool party for your friends. For lying to me since the beginning about your being a virgin, and telling me you had sex with seven other girls before me. For my not knowing where you were 90% of the time. For your lying to me about smoking. For your lying to me about quitting smoking. For the day I stayed with you just to see you off to work and you tried to sneak a lighter behind my back by fucking kissing me, as if I wouldn't notice. For your smoking pot behind my back, getting drunk, and then when I called you, you told me you were sick and I stayed up all night worrying about you. For your smoking pot in front of me that day we went to the movies, and then acting like nothing happened. For the first night I snuck you in my window you came in high. For having sex with me THREE days before you caught me off guard with breaking up with me. For trying to get me pregnant just so I wouldn't be able to go off to BCT. For proposing to me at my most emotionally crippled time and making me hurt those I truly cared about. For making me believe lie after lie. For nearly breaking up with me a year and a half into our relationship because I didn't hang out with your friends. For telling me right before our one year anniversary that you weren't "smoking pot", but that you had "gotten pretty blazed that night". For always letting me go to bed crying because you didn't like my decision to join the Army, or because you always made me feel like I wasn't good enough. For the panic attacks you blamed on me as a result of my choices, when all it was, was your own insecurities and inability to accept change. For playing Shannon and I emotionally, like you do to all your friends. For even being interested in someone that could have been my twin, and that was a huge whore at that. For dicking me around about my belongings that you have still not returned. For ruining my first prom by telling me that "It was just my Junior prom, it didn't matter". For sitting there and not dancing with me one time. For telling me that, "You were just doing to me what I had done to you in Michigan". For what I had "done in Michigan" was nothing more than be pissed that I caught you smoking again. For making me cry in front of my friends at prom. For ruining my Senior prom by first pouting, then not dancing, then getting angry, and then WALKING OUT. For leaving me crying in the middle of my Senior class, the only person who's date walked out on them. For your still feeling no guilt about it, other than the small shred of pity for YOURSELF on the way back home. For still being an ASSHOLE at the restaurant afterwards. For having sex with me that night, at all. For telling me that I would be "harder to love" if I ever gained weight. For ruining my graduation by pounding me with questions to stroke your fucking ego until I could almost not stand it, and simply told you I didn't know about the engagement. For trying to follow me to Serena's afterwards, where I absolutely did not want you. For trying to "prove" yourself to me by following me everywhere and driving my friends and myself nuts. For that first night I came back from Brian's you said you "forgave me for anything I did" when I had done NOTHING that asked for your forgiveness. For being jealous and overprotective when I did not BELONG to you, and never did, as I am not an object. For asking "what you got out of it" EVERY fucking time I asked you to come over, as if I was only here to please you. For only taking me out three, four times in the course of a three and a half year relationship. For ruining each of those times simply because you wanted something out of it (i.e. the day you took me out just so you could convince me to tell Westbrook I didn't want to join anymore). For disappearing in the middle of the night without letting me know where you were going. For making plans and then when I call wondering what is going on, you tell me you made other arrangements with friends. For promising me you would always love me and never leave me, regardless of my decisions in life. For ignoring me simply to play on the computer when that's all you did when I wasn't around. For throwing fits anytime you went out with my friends (i.e. that night at Olive Garden with Serena). For taking all my freedom. For taking all of my personality. For trying to make me something I wasn't. For trying to tell me that I was only good enough for college, and that the Army was a stupid idea. For telling me that any time I ended up crying it made you "just want to up and leave", and every time you would cry my heart would break and I would try to fix things. For trying to tell me that the reason we should get back together is simply because we spoke of a future together and because of "all we had together". For referring to Brian by a name less than tolerable for me, you asshole. For trying to act condescending about everything after we broke up, as if you had to one-up me in life. For always treating me as if I couldn't understand what you and your friends were talking about, and leaving me on the outside of every conversation. For never coming to school when I would beg you, or even when I needed you. For dropping out in the 10th grade, and then later on saying I should have pressured you to stay in, when even you stated I could have done nothing. For making me actually believe we were ending on a good note by that evening where you told me our lives were just taking us different directions, and that we couldn't be together, and then a week later coming back and begging me, simply because a) Shannon wouldn't have you, and b) You were not emotionally stable enough to be on your own. For trying to copy all my objectives in life, as if you couldn't find your own. For telling me I should wait six months to join the Army so I could be your "emotional support" while you got on your feet. For giving me that look after graduation where I thought you would strike me. For slowly getting more and more uncomfortable to be around. For making me feel as if I was stringing Brian along. For making me feel as if I had to pick sides between you and my friends. For your excuse for lying always being "I was afraid you would get mad", as if you have no fucking conscience. For being a fucking sociopath. For always hounding me about stupid little things, from the vehicle I drove, down to the music I listened to, just to belittle me. For giving me hell where I needed support. For making me so very unhappy and yet so very addicted to you that I couldn't see past you to find myself. For making me resent every waking moment we spent together, where in the beginning I was fine with the break-up. For never telling me I was beautiful, unless it was after the fact, or if you were getting something out of the situation. For never putting yourself in my shoes and thinking of what might have made me happy. For placing all of your problems on me, and never wanting to hear my own, or telling me they were just that, my problems. For never being there for me unless you were the reason I was upset. For running over anytime I hung up on you, as if that fixed all. For the amount of bragging I did about you to all my friends, telling them all about you, when realizing in the end, I knew nothing about you. For the gaps in your life that you filled with bullshit just to make yourself feel better. For being just what you were: A druggie, a loser, a user, and going nowhere in life.

...ugh. However, I thank you for a few things:

For pushing me towards those whom I love the most. For finally getting the fuck out of the way, so I could look in the mirror and reach in for myself. For in that, I found myself wholly. For in leaving me, I am now happy again.

That is all, the rest I owe completely to myself. I can look in the mirror and know what I want, who I am, how I feel, and take on whatever the hell life throws my way, because I no longer have you at my feet - for you were never at my side.




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